10 reasons why badmouthing your partner’s ex isn’t a good idea!
By Claudette Chenevert – The Stepmom Coach
Whenever I go onto stepmom forums, I cringe whenever I see badmouth comments such as:
“She’s a bitch!” or,
“She’s crazy, hormonal and psychotic.” even,
“She’s nuts, conniving, manipulative…and she hates me!”
Women hating other women isn’t a new thing.
Remember your high school days where girls would be mean to another just because she was different? Turn on the television or YouTube and see how many “Reality” TV series there are about women berating other women simply on the premise they do things differently.
What I’ve come to realize over the years, first as a hairstylist and now a stepmom coach, is that we’re not all the different from one another. I know, it’s a radical thought when it comes to stepmoms and their partner’s exes, right?
Here are 10 reasons why badmouthing your partner’s ex is a bad idea:
- The kids will pick sides and you won’t be on that side
- Everyone deserves respect – yes even your partner’s ex
- It put you in a bad light in front of your partner’s children
- You may have more in common with the ex than you’d like to admit
- Badmouthing the ex keeps you connected with her – in an unhealthy way
- The ex may not be your enemy (but that doesn’t mean she’s your best buddy either)
- You don’t have the full story behind what went on between your partner and his ex
- Don’t give away your time and energy to your partner’s ex. It’s not your problem, it’s his
- You can’t unsay what’s been said. Don’t voice words you might end up regretting one day
- It will put your husband in a position of defending his ex, which leaves you as the outsider
Children, even as adults, feel a loyalty bind towards their parents. No one enjoys hearing negative comments or remarks around the behaviors or actions of a parent, even if it’s true. Children interpret any kind of undesirable observations about their parents as a personal attack, as if addressing their flaws.
Here’s a several things you can do when you have the urge to badmouth your partner’s ex:
- Journaling. Put all your thoughts and words on paper, even those cuss words if that helps. Your journal is a safe place to say ANYTHING that comes to mind. It won’t judge or criticize you.
- Press the pause button. Count to ten – or one hundred if need be. Taking the time to pause and maybe some deep breaths helps you to think more clearly about the consequence of what you might be tempted to say.
- Let it go. Focusing on what your partner’s ex did or sad is like giving her control over your life. If it’s not going to matter in a few years from now, don’t put all your energy in what she does or says.
Remember there are always two sides to every story.
More often than not, we only hear our partner’s side of things. We all have our moments of “craziness.” Separate the person from her actions. Simply detach from the drama and move on without feeling you need to fix or comment on the situation.
There’s a reason your partner and his ex are no longer together. Let them deal with it, not you. Even if she tries to bring you in, turn the other way. This is a strategy that’s often used to divide and conquer our opponents. Don’t fall for it.
The only person that can get under your skin is yourself. Stop giving away your power to your partner’s ex when she comments about your looks or actions. It’s not worth your time or energy. Avoid taking negative comments personally. People don’t always think before speaking. When you let other people get under your skin, you’re the one getting hurt in the process.
Own what’s yours and let go what’s not.
About Claudette Chenevert
Claudette Chenevert, known as The Stepmom Coach works with stepmoms who are struggling to create a cohesive family life. A Master Certified Stepfamily Foundation Coach, Claudette helps stepmoms to build and create strong and healthy stepfamilies by helping stepmoms focus on what they want as a woman, a partner and a parent.
Claudette has over 29 years’ experience as a stepmom and 35 years as a mother. She understands what it’s like to be in your shoes and teaches the best strategies to make life as a stepmom more harmonious.
Claudette offers online support groups, self-study stepmom programs, and one-on-one coaching. She is also a contributing writer for Stepmom Magazine.
Her book The Stepmom's Book of Boundaries: How and Where to Draw the Line --for a Happier, Healthier Stepfamily is available on Amazon
For more information on programs and services, go to https://www.stepmomcoach.com